Have you ever had something that you just prayed and prayed over, but kept hanging on to it? Even though you'd given it to God? Well, I recently had one of those moments, and I am beginning to think that I have let it eat at me until I have a sore stomach.
On Friday, the 23rd of January, I found out that my custody hearing had been cancelled for tomorrow, 2/4/09. Of course, I wasn't guaranteed that spot, because there was someone else on the docket in front of my case. It was what's called "second-out". Second in line. If the person in front of me had settled out of court, my case would have been heard tomorrow.
I cannot express just how heart-broken I was that day. Even now, almost 2 weeks later, my heart literally aches to think about it. My new court date is April 9. My first instinct is to scream. Find a room and scream. What am I doing this for? Am I simply torturing myself to care so much that my kids fail school? Maybe they need to learn the hard way....
But in the stillness, in the quiet, I remember words from a dear friend, "God has a reason for this, and it's meant to be". Now, is it always easy to hear words such as this when my stomach hurts and I have cried 'til my tears just can't come anymore? No, but I know GOD has a plan for my life, much greater than I could ever imagine. IF I stay truthful to HIM. It's MUCH bigger than whether the kids are awarded to me, and whether they EVER learn to stand up and be men. It's so much more than that.
It's all gonna be okay. One way or the other. I miss my babies so much sometimes. Guess what? They would be upset with me if they knew I called them babies again.
I'll stop rambling for now...
Stay BLESSED! I know I am!