Making Amends

Last night I had the opportunity to attend an event with a great friend of mine. The evening went well, but when the evening was ending I made a comment that hurt this person. I have apologized, and only time will tell if they are able to forgive me and move forward. I have been physically ill all night knowing that I hurt this person so terribly with words. It certainly wasn't intentional, and I hope they can forgive me. If you are a praying person, please pray for this situation for me.

Really, It's Been This Long?

I can't believe it's been over 3 months since I added a little note. What's wrong with me? It's called work, church, kids....in a nutshell...LIFE. ;)



Not complaining, though...



What's new? Work is busier than ever. Don't know if I've mentioned it, but I am an office administrator. I call myself the "official paper shuffler". I work for the regional office (sales & distribution center) of a national heating & air manufacturer. It's going on 9 years, and I still love it. I am blessed!



The kids are doing as well as they can be. My oldest ~~~~BIG NEWS~~~~ enlisted in the Marines ~~~ actually swore in on September 1st. He is scheduled to ship out 3 days after graduation in May. I think it will be great for him, and I am so proud that he's made this decision. My youngest, my youngest son....now he says he wants to enlist when he's old enough. Only God knows what the future holds for my sons. I have to leave it in His hands...if not, I'll just be a blubbering basket case!



Church ~ Once again, I know I'm blessed. I have a wonderful church home. I had to open myself up to finding one last year. God placed a wonderful friend in my life that invited me to the church. I prayed over it, then visited. I LOVED IT! I joined in April of this year. I have prayed that God would find somewhere for me to serve, and it fell in my lap in late August and September. I was on the committee for the annual "Block Party", which is a community outreach event. It was a blast! I was blessed by the process, and met some great new friends. I have involved myself in the church, and I know I am blessed. It is by no mistake that I am there!

Life ~ Life is wonderful. It really is...It is not by accident that I have a great home, a wonderful church home and friends and family. I will continue to strive each day to let all in my life know how much I love and care for them!

Happy Saturday

Don't you just love a slow Saturday morning? I woke up at 5 am and was kind of frustrated that my inner clock just wouldn't let me go back to sleep. Let me explain. I get up most week days at 5 so I can be in the office no later than 7 am. Well, last week I made it in at 7 three out of five days, which really isn't bad since I don't have to be there until 8, right?

Well, back to my story...I LOVE SLEEP. The problem is for the past year or so, I'm not able to do a lot of it. It's really hard for me to stay in bed past 6:30 or 7. AND I have trouble going to sleep! So, last night I went to bed about 9:30 or 10, and was wide awake at 5. Of course, did I become productive that early? Heck no...I layed around drinking coffee.

My youngest son and I climbed this morning. We left home around 7:30 and were up on the top by 9:30 (it takes about 30 minutes to get there). I am frustrated that I didn't make it up within the normal 25 - 35 minutes. Last fall I was able to achieve it week after week. But now I just can't. I had to stop on the way up no less than 7 times. UGH! I guess I'll just have to work back up to that. At least I'm trying.

Mornings like this are my "me time". I love to get on top of that mountain, find my little corner, and meditate. That's my time with God. I just pray about everything I can think of when I'm up there. And I feel SOO much better, usually. Today, it wasn't so. My heart is very heavy today and it has been off and on for the past couple of weeks. Emotionally, I have been on a roller coaster. I won't go into details. But for those few of you out there who read my blog, just pray that God will change my heart...Like the song, Change My Heart O God, Make It Ever True!

Moving On

Wow! What a whirlwind it's been since my last post.

So, you can see that the court date never happened. School ended and the kids are doing alright.

I moved closer to work, church, and other things recently. I LOVE my new place. It's a bit smaller, but it's cheaper, and I'm saving money on gas. I also quit smoking - about to celebrate month 5 smoke free - YAY ME!

The kids are alright but are not happy because they got what they wanted. "What do you mean?", you may ask? Well, it seems right after their father found out we weren't going to court, he picked up his girlfriend out of small town USA and married her. She's 20 years old with a 15 month old daughter (of which she has physical custody) and a 5 month old son (of which she does not have). Not going into all of her problems right now...So, remember that he is 44 years old. Kind of gross, isn't it?

My children are living in the house with the newlyweds and her child. They really are unhappy and never miss a beat to tell me just how unhappy they are. But, I remind them that while it is not their fault their father decided to up and marry a girl young enough to be their sister, they got what they wanted. They wanted to live with dad, and that's what they got. My sons do not understand when I say "you got what you wanted" that it's not meant as a punishment...it's simply consequences of the decision they were allowed to make.

A couple of times, my youngest has called or texted me to say that he's coming to live with me. My heart tells me that I should run and rescue him, but I did that last summer with both kids, and it went BAD! I let their father take advantage of me as the non-custodial parent. I'm done with that. So, my response to him has been, "You may not make that decision when you are upset. It has to be decided by both you and your father, and your father must handle all of the legal aspects in order for that to happen". He's not really happy with that, but he understands now.

My sons are now beginning to see how their dad has used them. It's hard for me as their mother to know what they are going through and not attempting a rescue. But, I think this is a lesson they are having to learn. Life can be difficult, even more so for kids sometimes.

My prayer is that their father will see "the light" at some point and be the father they need. And, I continue to pray that the Lord will change me...And He is.

I am not fooled into thinking that I am not where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. It is not by chance that I moved, found a new church home, etc. God has a plan for me, and I am staying faithful to Him so that I may discover this plan in His time, not mine. With God, it's all about timing, but His, not ours!

I'll keep writing...

New quote ~

I take on more and more work, but I never feel that I am overburdened, because I do everything for God!

News

Hey all! I have news, news, and news!

First of all, tomorrow, Thursday, April 9 will be 6 weeks nicotine-free for me. I am amazed that I've made it this far, but I know it's not me - it's God.

April 9 was also supposed to be my court date for custody. A few weeks back, my attorney called me to say that I just don't have a case. The kids are adamant that they want to be with their father and have made that known to everyone involved, including the counselor that was to testify in court. I find it amazing that kids have choices! These are under age boys that are failing school. But, of course, we know that kids will take the path of least resistance. At dad's they really don't have to do much, they certainly don't get punished if chores or homework assignments aren't completed, so what the hay!

I didn't post anything for a few weeks because I just couldn't deal with it. After the crying and praying and whining, I finally decided I will live. God has a plan for me....Not sure what it is, but I continue to pray that He will continue to guide me.

Do you believe in spiritual gifts? I certainly do, and I have decided that one of mine is the old-fashioned gift of gab....

Now, what am I going to do with it? And my answer is, I have no earthly idea. God will show me if I continue to lift it to Him in prayer. I am being led to something MUCH greater than I ever thought possible. Just not sure what!

Stay Blessed!

Update

#1. I am STILL smoke-free. Thursday, March 19, will be 3 weeks. I am so pumped! I never thought I'd be able to do it, but here I am. Of course, I am not foolish enough to think I've done this on my own. No Way! It's God!

#2. Court (custody) is 3 1/2 weeks away. I refuse to stress over it. I am working on an outline to give to my attorney. This outline will describe my strengths and things about me that I want covered at the hearing as well as, things I want covered with my ex. I am feeling realistic at this time. Possession is 9/10 of the law....That means I have about 10% chance of the change of custody. But my Daddy God can handle ANYTHING. Not me, but HIM. I can't do ANYTHING without HIM. So, my prayer is that God is changing MY heart, and that I am open to whatever happens. He will breeze me right through this situation. Am I scared? A little. I already have butterflies in my stomach when I think about it. But, fear does not come from God. So, when I begin feeling down, I have to remind myself (and have my support group remind me) of that. Then I pray. I pray earnestly for His will, not mine. He is preparing me for more, I just don't know exactly what. All in time.....all in time. Stay blessed! I know I am....Oh!

Here's my new "saying"....and yes, I copied it from someone...I don't know who, it was in an email:

"I'm too blessed to be stressed"

Squawl Bag Day - Need a Cigarette!

So, have you ever had one of those days when you just couldn't quit crying? Ok, most men will say NEVER, and women will definitely say yes, even if it's been years.

Today has been one of those days for me. Church was great - as always. The company in church was great - as always. So, what's wrong? I couldn't tell ya. I haven't had a cigarette since the 26th. That's what - 3 days. This is absolutely INSANE! I feel like my life is over because I'm not puffing on a cigarette. I can not believe I am THIS addicted to cigarettes. I am having to take it one minute at a time today- just to keep from buying a pack. I am praying constantly "God get me through this". And HE is....I can't do this without HIM....

So, today I blame my squawling on the emotional roller coaster of quitting smoking. I think I'll go hang out at my sister's house for awhile. Better go for now....Stay Blessed!

Hi Again!

So, last night I visit my children at their father's home. If you've read the other stuff I've written, you know that I am going through a custody battle because my children are failing school.

The situation is crappy, and I don't wish it on ANYONE - not even their father.

The bomb went off when my oldest, he's 16, told me that he wants to fail this year. HE'S A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL!!! He said he wants to fail so he can graduate with some of his other friends a year behind him. Then he told me that he's going to be honest with the judge when we go to court (currently scheduled for April 9) and tell him that he wants to live with his dad. Now, you have to understand, this is the kid that has ALWAYS said he didn't want to choose. Me thinks me smells a RAT!!!

Then my youngest, he's 13, says the same thing.

Here's what I think is going on:

Dad moans and groans in the presence of the children that if they have to live with me, he will lose everything. He won't be able to pay his bills, etc., because he will lose his little (HUGE) monthly paycheck that we non-custodial parents are forced to call child support. That money NEVER goes to my children. My ex-mother in law and I buy their clothes, shoes, etc.

Anyway, I think they thought I would say "I'm sorry" and drop the case. WRONG! I told them that if they want to stay with dad, they have from now until court to bring up those failing grades. I also told them that I will wait to hear the judge's verdict. I want the judge to say yea or nay.

Can you tell I'm a little peeved?

So, what did I do when I got home last night? What any mother would do - CRIED! Then I prayed. I prayed for God to change me...change my heart. I want God's will to be done in my life. Also, I don't want anyone to EVER say that I didn't try.

So, what am I doing today? Baby, I'm praying, of course.

I'll blog some more soon.....

Another Great One-Liner

Just got this little thing from one of my email buddies, and had to share it with all of you:

God closes doors no man can open & God opens doors no man can close.

That's great, isn't it? I mean, we knew that, but to see it on the page...Man!

BUMMER!!! My ramblings about court!

Have you ever had something that you just prayed and prayed over, but kept hanging on to it? Even though you'd given it to God? Well, I recently had one of those moments, and I am beginning to think that I have let it eat at me until I have a sore stomach.

On Friday, the 23rd of January, I found out that my custody hearing had been cancelled for tomorrow, 2/4/09. Of course, I wasn't guaranteed that spot, because there was someone else on the docket in front of my case. It was what's called "second-out". Second in line. If the person in front of me had settled out of court, my case would have been heard tomorrow.

I cannot express just how heart-broken I was that day. Even now, almost 2 weeks later, my heart literally aches to think about it. My new court date is April 9. My first instinct is to scream. Find a room and scream. What am I doing this for? Am I simply torturing myself to care so much that my kids fail school? Maybe they need to learn the hard way....

But in the stillness, in the quiet, I remember words from a dear friend, "God has a reason for this, and it's meant to be". Now, is it always easy to hear words such as this when my stomach hurts and I have cried 'til my tears just can't come anymore? No, but I know GOD has a plan for my life, much greater than I could ever imagine. IF I stay truthful to HIM. It's MUCH bigger than whether the kids are awarded to me, and whether they EVER learn to stand up and be men. It's so much more than that.

It's all gonna be okay. One way or the other. I miss my babies so much sometimes. Guess what? They would be upset with me if they knew I called them babies again.

I'll stop rambling for now...

Stay BLESSED! I know I am!

Uplifting Quotes

In my daily emails, etc., with my buddies, I have collected a number of quotes or thoughts. I always make sure that those I keep are uplifting and something that will make me think...so, here goes....Remember, I didn't write these; simply collected them from the many emails I've received....

1. Don't tell God about your storm; tell the storm about your God!

2. Doing what is best for you will never harm another person - I HAD TO THINK ABOUT THIS ONE REALLY HARD!!!

3. To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.

4. The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

5. If You Need Help, ask God. If You Don't, Thank God.

6. A Strong Spirit focuses on the Possibilities of Life...but a Weak Spirit focuses on Problems of Life.

7. What really matters is what happens in us, not to us.

8. People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friend and true enemies; succeed anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you; be honest anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway- Mother Teresa.

9. Happiness keeps You Sweet, Trials keep You Strong, Sorrows keep You Human, Failures keep You Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going!


Hope you find as much joy in these as I have. Stay blessed!

The Cell Phone Technology

I love my phone! I didn't know how much until the battery was lost last night after I got off work at my night job. My phone fell out of my purse and hit the tile floor of the break room. I found the phone and the back of the phone, but the battery was NOWHERE to be found. 6 co-workers and I crawled on our hands and knees....even pulled out the refrigerators, etc., and it just vanished.

When I left work I went by one of the "Super WalMart" stores - by now it's close to 10 pm. I'm thinking WalMart has EVERYTHING, right? WRONG! Even though they process sales for cell phone programs, they do not carry "accessories" such as a battery.

I felt SO inept without my phone!

To make matters worse, I went to the AT&T super-duper store today just to buy a battery. Guess what? Since I've had my phone SOOO LONG (really, only 2 years), it's been discontinued. Which means what? They no longer carry those batteries. But guess what? They were ready to sell me another phone, and of course, I had to get it because I couldn't get the stuff needed to make the old one work!!!!

I've lost some of my contact info, as well as the pictures of my favorite place. At least I'm back up and running.

Technology is great as long as the user is not a bone-head....I am SOOO technologically challenged!

Concentrate

Concentrate on this Sentence

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better..

Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

Just a Little Closer

For those of you who've never been through a D-I-V-O-R-C-E or a C-U-S-T-O-D-Y B-A-T-T-L-E, let me give a little insight. Of course, I previously mentioned that my 2nd big "D" was finalized last year. And, I mentioned that I am fighting for custody with ex-hubby #1.

These processes can be long and drawn out...

As we move closer to the court date, documents must be completed in a process called "discovery". Some attorneys may not call it that - only the good ones usually use that word. Others will say "answer these interrogatories and send them to me". What they mean is - the opposing party has questions that they want answered about your lifestyle, time spent with kids, etc. In turn, your attorney will make the opposing party answer questions as well. It's all about gathering data.

Intellectually, I understand and comprehend this need. Emotionally, however, I have a hard time with it because they (#1 & his attorney) can get pretty personal. Of course, my attorney does, too. I have NOTHING to hide. However, these situations make one second-guess themselves.

The sad thing is this: It couldn't be worked out amicably so it came to this. I actually feel bad sometimes because I didn't want it to be this way. #1 and I worked very hard to come to terms with past issues for 5 years, and we did a good job for a while. But the truth is, it worked fine as long as I did the legwork. This brain of mine finally said "WAKE UP" one day.

I am not a spineless or weak woman. However, there are those times, such as yesterday completing the questions and financial information, that I have a bad day. So, what did I do? I finally remembered that Daddy God has this handled. I may not like the outcome of this situation, but he's gonna take care of it. I prayed over it last night and this morning. It's gonna be okay - whatever the judge may decide - Daddy God is in control.

The Newest Strong Woman in a Long Line of Them!

Laila Grace is here! For those of you who don't know, my neice, Angie, had complications with pre-eclampsia during the last month she was pregnant. She was admitted to a local hospital and spent 18 days on bedrest before Laila Grace was born. Our new baby girl came 8 weeks early, weighing 2 pounds 13 ounces. We were scared for both of them, but boy have they made us realize just how strong they are! We prayed over Angie for God's intervention and He took care of them. Once again, we are blessed! God is good....all the time, He is good!